|Monday, February 5th, 2007|
12:42 am - hide and seek
the super bowl is a lot like new years eve...so much hype, all of that anticaption...and it ends up lackluster and very disappointing.|
at least the colts won, good on peyton manning.
in other non super bowl related news...(yes, there is world outside of the game)
i'm so low right now. i keep trying to pick myself out of it and get it done, but i can't.
i feel like i'm drowning.
it's funny i get the impression from some people, especially my roommate that i don't give a shit.
that i float that i'm just basically lazy and irresponsible.
i will admit that i am severely disorganized and unfocussed, but it's not just that.
for most of the month and now february, i feel like i'm in the dark. i'm too depressed and anxious to go to class, i have no energy for anything because i feel like nothing has gone right so i just end up sleeping.
or spending hours doing everything but my tasks required like obsessing over fashion week, or grad school or finding a new house either in toronto or montreal...instead of actually getting shit done.
i have no motivation and i feel like i don't care at all. it's like giving the finger and being completely self absorbed..but not.
i'm so behind in my everything right now that i feel like i need to catch up and be responsible but it's all so daunting that i just end up crying and freaking out.
like tonight, i spent most of the night half napping, crying, moaning to alice or just obsessing about therapy. WHAT THE FUCK.
i hate this. i'm alone and scared and just frustrated. yet i still can't do anything about it.
i going to force myself to make an appointment to see a psychologist at school tomorrow..try to figure this shit out. maybe help out with my classes and the fact that i am not going or doing anything.
lazyness, depression, anxiety, aloofness, who knows anymore.
i thought i had gotten over hating myself, of accepting what i am and what i will never be...yet im still so toxic to myself.
i really want to go home or maybe berlin or london or somewhere completely different.
why i can never reinvent or retool myself here i'll never know...
now my head is killing and i'm dizzy....tabernac.
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|Friday, February 2nd, 2007|
12:27 pm - yaaaay props and costume sales!
Hi everyone, |
I'm starting to se off a bunch of film props, costumes and other junk I've accumulated over the last few productions that I need to get rid of as my apartment is not a prop house!
I'm downtown (bay/college) and I go to Ryerson. So I can meet you there, somewhere on the subway line or possibly ship. All sales prices are neogotiable and I'm open to packaging some items together.
All the proceeds are benefitting our major production, "The B.A.N.K. Gang", a period piece loosely based upon the Boyd Gang of the 1940's and 1950's.
Support independent and student film!
( Now on to the items!Collapse )
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|Wednesday, January 31st, 2007|
8:30 pm - ahahahaha, i love you hohan.
Rehab isn't getting rid of Lindsay Lohan's appetite for hot guys.|
Usmagazine.com has learned that Lohan, 20, who entered L.A.'s Wonderland rehab center on Jan. 18 to treat her addiction issues, has been sending bachelor-about-town Brody Jenner, 23, sexy text messages for the last couple weeks.
We've eye-balled one particularly flirtatious sext-message that Lohan sent Jenner - former flame of Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie and Lauren Conrad - last Saturday night in which the 12-stepper, among other requests, texted that all she wanted was "McDonald's and sex."
When asked by Usmagazine.com to comment on Lohan's textual pursuit, Jenner, who just signed a deal to be a spokesman for Scope mouthwash, said, "Sorry, dude. I don't text and tell."
A rep for Lohan couldn't be reached for comment.
oh lindsay...how i sympathsize.
...which makes me think of this...
Samantha: Last night I could not stop thinking about a Big Mac. I finally had to get dressed, go out and pick up a guy.
Miranda: Talk about a happy meal!
oh sex and the city, why are you always so spot on?
and now, im drinking tonight. okay seriously, i will be disciplined....tomorrow.
current mood: ditzy
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|Tuesday, January 30th, 2007|
we just finished having a HUUUUGE power outtage - like both towers were out. |
kristen and i thought we just blew a fuse and went to flip our breakers, but that didn't work. and i'm ashamed to admit that i've always just gotten a man like my dad or a friend to fix it (i've never actually blown anything while living here since 2004). flipping those things under harsh flashlight beams while being shrouded in darkness felt just like being in jurassic park...but with imaginary velicoraptors instead. (remember how many times we watched this movie robin? and the dinosaurs under the stairs? AAAAH!)
but, we decide to go downstairs to ask the super for help. it turns out the lights above our rooms are all out but the hall way lights are mostly on...hm...
then we find out all the units are out! part of the lobby is in darkness, but the elevators and security *whew* still works.
i'm a little scared at this point.
no power, no computer means no paper which means no 15%. granted, i left it to the last minute, but at the moment i realized, okay i care. (well, sort of).
after like 20 minutes, power slowly starts to flicker. we rush upstairs to discover we have power! hurrah!
but the other tower, 889, is still out and hydro is called in. shiiiiiite for them.
thank god we live in 887 - 889 has all the drama! the drug dealers, crazy renters (my building is mostly owners and investments), and now, no power. it will probably take ages for them to go back online. scary!
and now, no excuses.
on to the paper! *gag*
i miss sleep...real sleep, ALOT!
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3:34 am - a wrinkle in time
i can't write.|
i'm trying to write my stupid english paper and my brain isn't fuctionning on that plane.
it's really not even that hard. i just can't seem to be able to bring myself to do it. i just want to sleep and hide and get away.
ooooooh why do i have such bouts of immaturity when i really don't need it.
i'll do work for practicum and internship and the pitch, because really, i can see that possibly benefitting my career in the future. i can go to yoga because it makes me more centred and less of a fatty and i can post in my journal because it's a way to vent.
but i can't write a paper on torture and how certain words effect each other. gaaaah lingusitics.
i've been pretty depressed the last couple days...for now apparent reason. my sleeping patterns have been off, like i slept until 5pm the other day...smooth move on my part.
i think i fell so low partly because i felt like i tried so hard, but really accomplished nothing. i guess my energy isn't concentrated properly or something. why put energy into something that's going nowhere or that another party has no interest in hmmm?
i'm such a moron. but, really, what else is new?
it's beginning to look like i may end up staying in toronto, especially if i continue to mess up grad school aps. plus, do i really want to spend more time in school? i'm obviously flailing through it now. i want to have a bigger space though...more open. and stop accumulating crap and actually use it, as that would be the smart thing to do.
a loft or townhouse in king west village or the annex would be ideal, but i dont know if i can afford that just yet.
i need to stop spending so much money too, what the hell. for a socialist, i sure do feed the greedy capitalist society...and myself, far too often.
god, i hate english class. and this assignment. urgggh.
work, as in snowboarding, is going allright. end of year party for all the old instructors up at blue in march should be sick. i feel a little like norm's accessory, but whatever. i'm finding my niche as i'm already known as the one with the retarded style and energy. too bad my riding has been balls. the kids i teach are pretty awesome and energetic, they are actually listening to me most of the time which is such a change! (they're all around 15 and all boys except for one girl). lots of singing and dancing (oh god) and playing with little jumps, its all good fun...but tiring. i did allright on teaching evaluation, which is good...i was kinda worried, to be honest. i know i still have alot to work on, especially my riding. but then again, the last 4 years, i've only been riding about 4 or 5 times a year where i mostly ride pow or teach...so i haven't exactly been pushing myself. my freestyle is rusty as all hell. some of the other instructors are pretty cool and some make me feel a little geriatric. the best was when we were playing with our ipods on the instructor bus (i know, i know) and showing vids and what not, when one of the guy instructors who i was drinking with showed me the inscription on his ipod that his girlfriend gave him. that made me laugh pretty hard (on the inside), way to be covert. what the hell? geeeeeze can't people be friendly without the problem. but it's not like it was done in the get back foul woman way, just as the look at the lame inscription i have (i have atmosphere lyrics...i am such a single girl, i know). but whatevs, i'm no trying to sleep with you (at least at that moment)! it was silly. i give up!
i'm in a very ranty mood. i missed 24 tonight as well, boooo. maybe i'll make that my reward for acutally getting shit done...or i'll cave and watch it instead of accomplishing something.
i'm going to attempt to work and stop obsessing over dumb things...i need a bit of sleep at some point, thank god class isn't til 12. i need energy to mail applications, go to the gym, go to yoga (i need to work out at least 2 hours a day until whistler and then keep it off after ugghhh, i'm gross), do french homework, etc.
gosh, my life is mundane.
someone excite me, please.
current mood: restless
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|Saturday, January 27th, 2007|
2:21 am - mad world
this is waaaay too spot on, almost entirely...colorquiz.com|
Your Existing Situation
Under considerable stress due to the demands of the existing situation. Trying to extricate herself from the things which restrict her or tie her down. (obviously, grad school, moving, actually chosing a job...though i am trying to cement or define friendship in a way....but im completely okay being solo...hmmm)
Your Stress Sources
The existing situation is disagreeable. Feels lonely and uncertain as she has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and wants to stand out from the rank and file. This sense of isolation magnifies the need into a compelling urge, all the more upsetting to her self-sufficiency because of the restraint she normally imposes on herself. Since she wants to demonstrate the unique quality of her own character, she tries to suppress this need for others and affects an attitude of unconcerned self-reliance to conceal her fear of inadequacy, treating those who criticize her behavior with contempt. However, beneath this assumption of indifference she really longs for the approval and esteem of others. (pretty spot on...i need validation for my art...yet its so personal i dont want to show anyone gaaah)
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels cut off and unhappy because of the difficulty in achieving the essential degree of cooperation and harmony which she desires. (relationship woes, drama, being anti-social because im worried things won't be perfect...)
Your Desired Objective
Wants to make a favorable impression and be rewarded as a special personality. Is therefore constantly on the watch to see whether she is succeeding in this and how others are reacting to her. this makes her feel that she is in control. Uses tactics cleverly in order to obtain influence and special recognition. Susceptible to the esthetic or original. (i've always been like that...that's why i enjoy my own personal style, it's unique...i like to think so at least)
Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, and she is distressed by the lack of any close and understanding relationship. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be. (my constant dreams of moving, expensive grad school and foreign hideways...i run around too much)
Your Actual Problem #2
Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality. (i'd like to think that i have my own distinct personality...but i know i do latch on sometimes when i find someone particulary interesting...it's like now im having exchange friend seperation anxiety!)
this is seems much more succint than a psychologist can assess..i still haven't made that appointment with the counsellors at school.
i have to be awake and getting off to work in a little more than two hours. gotta love snowboarding!
and, on a different note. anyone wanna help with some photoshoots on like sunday/monday/maybe tuesday? i need to work on my portfolio. ughhh. looking for models, photographers, general help with telling me if my work is good enough, etc.
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|Monday, January 22nd, 2007|
2:17 am - white noise
and the snow falls in big, beautiful flakes.|
it makes me so happy and calm and serene.
but it also makes me a little lonely. nothing makes a person feel more alone than a single set of footprints in the snow and a big bed where the sheets get cold.
...and the funny thing is i dont know what to do about it.
maybe i'll make a snowman...a short midget snowman.
current mood: confused
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|Thursday, January 18th, 2007|
3:16 am - ramble rumble
verb être: to be.|
i need to just be and stop thinking.
stop analysing, stop worrying, stop freaking...and just be.
as hippy-stoner chick as it sounds, i need to do it.
i think that's why i was so relaxed and happy for most of the time in europe. i was on my own, pretty independent and less analytical.
being busy is good...i just miss the trips to paris on a whim and being totally alone.
yet i'm still scared...can i trust anyone completely? no. but i want to. i'm worried of losing my power and being too dependent or anything...but i'm willing to take a chance.
it's the scariest but one of the best things to do...
i feel kinda lost right now in terms of what i want to do, but ièm getting closer. when i wake up at night and have ideas for sets or when i feel creative and happy when i'm done designing things...
i'm a designer...what type of designer i'm not sure. but for now...I don't care.
baby steps into maturity.
current mood: contemplative
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|Friday, December 29th, 2006|
2:35 am - LOOKING FOR PERIOD HOUSE/APARTMENT FOR FILM - ONE DAY SHOOT (Greater Toronto Area)
here is my schpeal!
My name is Megan Wilson and I'm part of Homegrown Productions. We are a Ryerson University based company that is producing a twenty two minute HD pilot/first episode influenced by the infamous Boyd Gang. We are currently looking for a period locations for a one day shoot on January 8th. We would need the locations from approximately 10am until 1am. We need a kitchen, dining room and a balcony or backyard. The time period we are aiming for is the 1940's, but we are supplying our own appliances and set pieces. Ideally, the room would be a brownstone and would have molding, wood floors and a more netural room colour. We would like to paint the room, and can paint back as soon as we are done shooting. We can offer payment, food, a copy of our project, a credit in the film and our undying graditude. If you have a location that you think may work, please email me at email@example.com.
Art Director, Homegrown Productions
RTA, Ryerson University
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|Friday, December 15th, 2006|
3:44 am - .:.what is this feeling?.:.
i think i'm actually developing bruises from coughing lately...damn you toronto pollution and my very weak immune system! this suck, i really hope i don't have an infection and it does not help my snowboarding at all when i'm hacking and sometimes vomitting just from coughing! (too much information, i know, but WHAT THE HELL, MAN!)|
it's 10 degrees in toronto...it is december 15th. THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THAT! Whoever does not believe that the earth is hurting and global warming is not an issue should look at this! toronto is supposed to have snow and the air is supposed to be fresher and we can make anatomically correct snow men in the quad and snow angels...but it's like its spring...or october! this makes me want to become more of an environmentalist again...get back to my hippie bc kid roots and all of that.
in other news, i asked my mom if i could go to whistler for reading break - either with some help or with just my own money. the best was her response...i can go to bc if i apply to teachers college. OH MY LORD! my parents want me to be teachers soooooo badly, it's hilarious. granted, i'm seriously considering going. teach supply and work in production then when i'm bored with production - teach. i love to teach snowboarding and other areas, i wonder how well i would do in a high school setting? i'm still applying to design schools, theyre probably my first choice along with a paying gig, but teachers college could be good. why not, right? i've already put in my primary application to SFU (simon fraser university) and i'll slowly keep doing the rest. i get to spend my 10 or so days off for christmas doing applications. OH JOYOUS DAY! oh well, i'm lucky to be able to be in that position. i jsut hope my grades are okay...eeep. i have a c+ in english right now, but i think i did okay on my rant...i hope i did it right! i'm pretty worried. i did super shit on my participation, and then she bumped it up to 15. THAT BITCH! i thought it was bonus points. GRRRRR! whatever, i should have gone more. part exhaustion, part illness, part i-dont-give-a-shit. i look pretty bad to my perfect attendance roommate...i guess i'm paying for it now. i really want to graduate with honors! DAMN YOU FIRST YEAR, brought me down oh so much!
so yes, whistler and vancouver feb. 18-25! i'm leaving sunday morning after work and getting in at around midnight on the friday/saturday to sleep for a few hours before work again....i'm insane. honestly! but whatever, i'm 21, energetic and i'll sleep on the bus on the way to and from work and back from airport. but yay whistler! i;m pumped to see everyone, i have lots of places to stay, people to ride with...it's great motivation to ride extra hard and work out and eat well so not only will be healthy but my body will look daaaaammmmn fine!
today i went to the gym, instead of going out. so anti-social, but going out requires effort and gym seemed better than getting fat off alcohol. party time later, i guess.
i leave for kelowna on the 24th at 7am from ottawa and get back to toronto on the 31st around 7pm. what's everyone doing for new years? i wouldnt mind driving up to blue mountain or just dressing up, drinking and having a little soiree! something inexpensive but glam...ghetto chic at it's finest...and i don't mean baby phat! (sorry, kiomara you crazy hoe).
i can't wait to go back to ottawa to chill and see my ottawa homeslices, but i haven't seen toronto much lately besides the practicum crew. that's why its ladies drinking night on saturday...everyone come and enjoy alcohol and lovely people! me, smalice, courtney and some others wil lbe getting faaaaab.
speaking of practicum..it's been interesting. i almost burnt down tom and neal's apartments thanks to a gas stove, melting candle wax and interesting paint techniques. ME + FIRE = SCAAAARY DEATH!
and painted a house...recovered chairs...shopped till i dropped...fitted costumes...agaonized...found old money...it's coming together but i'm still worried! eeeep!
anyway, i should shower and sleep now. enough rambling for this evening.
bon soir/bon nuit mes amis.
ps. I've also seen WICKED twice and it was soooooooooo gooooood. best costumes, great production design and singing...i wish i could sing. i could pass by in acting and dance since i trained...too bad this whole tone deaf thing got in the way.
annnnd armyofpandas.com has launched! toronto's most bizarre sketch comedy troupe! i intern! WINNING COMBO, MY BITCHES!
current mood: sick
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|Friday, December 8th, 2006|
2:39 am - i want OUT
i am so sick and tired of school and toronto in general right now.|
i am tired from the whining, the essays, the bitching, the work, the nitpicking, the gossip and the general bullshit.
sometimes i want to smack myself for being an idiot...and then tell everyone to grow the fuck up.
i can't wait to be done. i need to finish this essay but i'm emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted. i'm sick. i'm lonely. and i'm just in a moooood.
i am really beginning to think i have to move next year, or somtime soon after graduation for a new start. granted i've started to put down roots in terms of friends, work contacts and frequent spots to go to...but what's worth it?
i miss speaking french and CLEAN AIR and mountains and trees and nature and cheap airfares and honest people and balance in my fucking life.
i miss BEING SANE.
i don't want to go back on medication, but i might have to at this point.
why is the wrong part of the brain always shuts off when it should be wide awake and vice versa?
for the most part on exchange i just didnt care, i just did it whole hog. i made ALOT of typical mistakes while on exchange like screwing around with two roommates, drinking 7 days a week, spending too much money, rarely attending class and managing an a, not working on my german enough...but i was not freaked out all the damn time.
i told myself that i would come home and relax and be "normal"...i felt like i finally found myself for a while in germany, and now its gone again. paranoia, anxiety, depression...everything comes in threes...especailly when you're born at 1:03 am on the 3rd...
i don't know where my motivation is or my passion. everything is so forced because i should do it.
sometimes, i wish i could be simple...life would be less exciting but at least easier to navigate and decipher.
...i am so naive sometimes.
and also avoiding my paper, which is not very mature or smart.
I AM A WINNNNERRRRR
i think i'm a real product of my family...we move on average every 5 years..
1985 - born in campbell river, bc.
1986 - move to toronto (high park).
1991 - move to orleans (row houses).
1996 - move to another house in orleans (bigger generic house).
2001 - move to the glebe (downtown ottawa)
2003 - residence in toronto (pitman hall...ugh).
2004 - officially move to toronto...completely solo (bay street).
2006 - temporary move to stuttgart, germany (house with 4 boys, 1 girl who i was close then drifted...ugh)
2006 - back to toronto...not happy about it.
i can't sit still. it's like i have a.d.d. EVERYWHEREEEEEE
seriously, i'm so annoyed with myself right now. why is there always DRAMA?
in other news...
i should be sleeping right now instead of procrastinating on my final philosophy essay due 30% that is currently a pile of word vomit.
i have to get up at about 5:30am on saturday for intstructor training and evaluation...they told me i'm basically hired...now i'm starting to worry i'll screw up.
i've been doing it since i was 15...3 at edelweiss, 3 freelance,how could i fuck up one of the few things that i've actually been told i'm good at? god, i'm a master of my demise.
but i can't wait to snowboard!!!!
i hope there are some good people, they won't replace the old crew, just become the southern ontario one perhaps?
i got my hair cut, i love it but no one notices. its slightly "scene" and i'm back to red again, more my natural colour...woo. its still hot, FIERY!
aaaaaannnnd i decided i need a new crush or something completely random. kat and i are out to find new ones, preferably snowboarders who can at least keep up with us (we'd allow skiers) who are not completely brain dead...but it would make things easier...hmmm...
i am so random.
if you read any of this, i am whole heartedly impressed!
ps. westmount in montreal? or mcgill ghetto? hhmmmmm. i need a new house.
current mood: annoyed
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|Wednesday, December 6th, 2006|
my brain is so dead right now.|
i keep trying to study but it's like my mind won't let me write.
i am so sore. i went to the most amazing yoga class yesterday, i'm going again tomorrow. it's called vinyassa so you do it as a flow into each movement. i learned some new amazing poses, i made my bridge *i forget the proper yoga name - but when you bend over backwards* really strong and tall...it feels soooo good.
but now my body hurts. and that makes me feel out of shape and faaaaat.
i'm re-obsessing over my weight again. it's like being in grade 7 and having friends tell the counsellors i'm anorexic and that i don't eat and run track for hours...
i was so much skinnier then, it's sad that's the thing that makes me most upset - that i was not fat. not that i was hurting my body or had a low self esteem or i would fall over from exhaustion - its that i was thinner. granted, i didn't have the hips that i've more than grown into now (ugh) or my boobs (which i would prefer to keep, thank you very much) but still...i didn't have to develop a disorder. i know now that even i'm snowboarding and active like crazy that i will never have small thighs - i'm an athelete and that i will never, ever look like kate moss. but i still obsess. i wish it would just disapear.
it messed me up permanately, that's for sure. i restrict then i binge then i work out for 4 hours or i eat well for a few weeks, lose weight well then give up. gaaaaah.
i just want to be healthy, and thin and in shape. part of my brain says to give in to restricting and fasting so i can lose the weight fast, the other part says stick to a real plan, the other part is just plain well crazy.
okay...i sound skitzo now...ANYWAY
i'm trying to balance more, i'm getting better. i just my body would purge the fat quicker. AWAY!!!!
i have so much stuff to do lately, i'm doing everything but this blasted philosophy essay. i care, but i don't. if i want to go to grad school i have to do well, no question, so my GPA goes up (way to go, shitty grades in first year)...and i don't want too badly, i'm just being immature and not writing it.
i'm beginning to think maybe i'm not as brillant as i think and that i should move back out west or to the alps. i'll film snowboarding, design some rad ski and snow gear, teach riding, make out with hot french imports...yep i'm down.
mom and dad must be so proud.
my throat hurts and i can't stop caughing. who ever knew there was a downside to winter?
i can't wait to go to snowboard camp for hiring day on saturday. meet new people, ride, relax, teach...something that i feel i can do. i hope it goes well or i'll just be so depressed! they can't take my teaching skills awaaaayyyyy!
okay, i'm going to go jog down to bloor street west and oggle chanel for awhile to clear my mind. motivation!
more rambling later.
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|Friday, November 3rd, 2006|
1:33 am - where are my ruby slippers?
mr. mcqueen, you have my heart.|
• Turtleneck: Black with netting overlay. Puffed three-quarter sleeves.
• Plaid Kilt: A pleated style in black/red/yellow plaid. Belted waist with engraved silver metal buckle. Asymmetric, unfinished hem.
Price: $1,970.00 (usd)
Price: $930.00 (usd)
Embroidered Skinny Jeans
mmm zac posen.
and oscar de la renta....
Oscar de la Renta
Dotted Silk Dress
Oscar de la Renta
Cropped Brocade Jacket
Oscar de la Renta
Oscar de la Renta
Oscar de la Renta
if i had all the money in the world i would still live in vintage and layer american apparel and wear dunks...but it would include mostly mcqueen, de la renta, posen, some prada and vintage st. laurent and dior and maybe some comme des garcons and vintage chanel sharpelli.....and loubitans and ferragomos...this is such good diet motivation. holy moly.
fashion = my porn.
soooo....who wants to take me shopping?
i need to get my creativity going so i can create something beautiful...but you cannot touch mcqueens ways with fabric *swoon*
/end moment of fabric lust
ps. i'm helping out with the art direction for the k-os video. its way fun. every day i think im becoming more of an art director...and also more scared of a career. eep!
current mood: exhausted
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|Wednesday, November 1st, 2006|
you know what my favorite thing about hallowe'en is?|
you get to see people in their element. having fun. lower their inhibitions and fears. how ironic. we wear masks to cover our faces but we're less scared to reveal ourselves.
or it is just fun...acting...imagination. we can all use a little creativity.
and some people just like lyrca way too much....80's workout outfits should not be worn...in general...or by large numbers of annoying girls. MY EYES!
i havent slept for more than 2 hours at night for like 4 days.
i'm going insane. i've had two hours in the last 48 hours. if i don't get an extension on my 5 percent assignment tomorrow i will start crying in class.
no sleep and no work accomplished make megan go something?
oye vey, I NEED SLEEP. my vision is going but i still cant sleep.
i need drugs. industrial strength tranquilizers. i dont care SLEEEEP at night, lord please.
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|Saturday, October 28th, 2006|
4:46 am - l'enfant terrible.
all i want to do these days is escape and spread my wings.
travel, travel, travel.
run, run, run.
but i have to wonder...
i love history, art, music, new people, languages, film, exploring, nature...endles possiblities.
maybe i'm still lost.
i thought i found some of myself in stuttgart, germany...amongst the language, school, and people...
...and in lapland, finland amongst the reindeer and the neverending sunshine...
...and in amsterdam, the netherlands amongst the haze of smoke, of hope, and the canals...
...and in paris, france amongst the boutiques, the beuaty and the baroque...
...and in berlin, germany amongst the divide, the walls and the fashion...
...and in stockholm, sweden amongst the water, the royalty, and cross...
i could go on...what was i searching for and what have i found?
sometimes i think my life is just a game of hide and seek?
but why is it always easier to hide than to seek?
i am scared of being found or just found out?
rain and pondering and film and text...
the quest continues.
ich bin müde.
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|Friday, October 6th, 2006|
3:48 am - oooooh looky looky
|Wednesday, March 1st, 2006|
3:59 pm - bye canada! miss you!
well i'm sitting in the montreal trudeau airport, waiting to go through security for my flight amsterdam, then to my final destination, stuttgart, germany.|
i'll miss canada, and so many people from it! but thank god i'm leaving, i could use a change of scenery.
if any of you want something from germany or europe, email me at wilson underscore megan at hotmail dot com, or leave me a note here.
I'M SO NERVOUS!!!
also, check my blogspot for travel news and hijinks! megansingermany.blogspot.com
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|Friday, February 17th, 2006|
7:28 pm - goodbye cruel world...
also known as TORONTO! (oooh)|
Me, Courtney and Alice are going to Sneaky Dees at Bathurst and College at 9:30 then moseying over to the old haunt Dance cave (@ Lees Palace - Bloor & Bathurst). It;s kinda the last hurrah before I say goodbye to Toronto for 6 months.
come one and alllll.
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|Tuesday, January 24th, 2006|
from the politics watch website:|
1. Jack Layton Leader of the New Democratic Party of Canada (100%)
2. Paul Martin Leader of Liberal Party of Canada, Prime Minister of Canada (82%)
3. Gilles Duceppe Leader of the Bloc Quebecois (52%)
4. Stephen Harper Leader of the Conservative Party of Canada (41%)
i voted ndp.
who did you vote for?
if you didn't vote, and you whine and bitch and moan about our government...i will kick you right in the kidneys.
now if only we had the balance of power! booooo!
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|Tuesday, July 26th, 2005|
well i haven't posted anything worthwhile in here for ages...and by worthwhile i mean something with substance, i suppose.|
i've never felt so lost...and alone.
i feel like i've completely lost any possible sense of self, of being grounded and sure of who i am. though i'm beginning to think that maybe the meaning of life is to find out who you and be content with it...because honestly, who is ever completely 100% content with their life? i mean, honestly. nothing is perfect. i bet when you reach perfection, you die.
so you think this concept would perhaps tell me to stop constantly freaking, to still strive for perfection but not expect it to happen, to motivate to work hard. or some bullshit, i'm so exhausted i don't even know what i'm saying anymore.
but i still get severe anxiety and stay solitary.
and really, really scared.
i want to pull myself out of his hole i've obviously thrown myself into, and prove that i do not need to wallow in my own filth and complete vanity...but i guess i just can't do it.
i think i've finally accepted that i may need help, but i know if i try i'll just get defensive. and rude. and more "independent". go for more jobs, more friends, more this, that, all that bullshit.
i don't even understand myself anymore, but who does?
fuck i hate this.
i wish i could relax and sleep and not feel like a complete lard ass.
and to add insult injury, i might be pregnant.
AND! ive got to be at work at 11:30.
Tuesdays are so the new Mondays.
...I can't believe in 20 in 8 days...
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